Social Emotional Learning, aka SEL, is a buzzword you have likely heard over the last few years. Even if you haven’t heard that specific term, you’ve undoubtedly encountered content related to SEL on social media, online, and even in conversations about parenting or classroom management.
But what is it?
SEL is, most simply put, helping a child learn about emotions and feelings. This includes the emotions they feel and the emotions of others, and how to manage and express themselves in the context of their own world. In a broader sense, SEL can also include helping a child learn how to navigate social situations with family members, friends, peers, and adults they interact with.
Why is this important?
Kids are not born with these skills. They do not naturally know how to handle difficult situations where life doesn’t go their way. This is not surprising if you’ve ever been around a child for more than five minutes. No, you can’t get a toy at the store. Yes, it’s time to leave the park. We have to eat green beans AND chicken at dinner. Adults understand the logic behind all of these scenarios.
Children just see the blind rage and devastation of not getting their way. Why? Because they don’t have the skills to see past emotions and understand logic. So, instead of talking things through, they throw a massive tantrum to let you know how upset they are. We may expect this from a toddler or a baby, but once a child is a little older, they must be able to cope when things are difficult. If a child has not been taught how to manage discomfort, they will keep throwing a fit whenever they hear the word no.
As children turn into teens and adults, a lack of skill in managing and expressing emotion does not always look like a tantrum. (Although yes, adults do have them!) It may look like avoidance, shutdown, or turning to addictive coping mechanisms. The list goes on. If we want to create the best version of ourselves, we need to be able to cope with uncomfortable emotions in healthy ways. Similarly, empowering children to forge a positive outlook for their own lives requires some skill-building early on.
Imagine the future adult you want your child to be. Does this person wait calmly in a long line at the airport and still treat the employees with kindness and respect when their turn finally comes? Do they have constructive conversations with a loved one when conflict arises? Does this person pause to breathe when they feel stressed at work? These types of skills do not happen by chance. We are responsible for teaching them explicitly and offering many opportunities to practice in a safe environment.
Not to be dramatic, but the future of our world quite literally depends on how we raise our children now! Social emotional learning is of paramount importance in this process.
So, what kinds of skills need to be taught in a comprehensive approach to social emotional learning? There are a multitude of areas we want our children to be competent in when it comes to social skills. We couldn’t possibly generate an exhaustive list, but here are some ideas to get you started if you are diving in for the first time.
As you read through the list, you will see an overview of why each skill is essential and also the ways children will learn it. Notice I say how they will learn it, not how you teach it…. Believe me when I say that children will absorb and know it one way or another. Whether or not you are the one teaching them, well, that’s up to you.
Identifying feelings and emotions in other people
- Why we need it: Identifying feelings and emotions is the foundation for so much of SEL. If a person cannot identify emotions, they cannot work through emotional challenges.
- For example, if I can’t determine whether a friend is mad or sad, I won’t know how to respond to that person appropriately.
- How it’s learned and taught: We learn how to identify emotions in other people by observing others. Some children will naturally pick up on this, and some need an adult to bridge the gap. This looks like pointing out the physical features that give us clues to how a person feels.
- For example, Mirabel’s eyebrows are pointing down and she is looking at the floor. Even though she isn’t crying, I think she is sad! Extend the conversation by asking the child what to do when their friend is sad, and ask if they can think of why that person might be sad.
Recognizing feelings and emotions in ourselves
- Why we need it: Learning about how our bodies feel is an entirely different skill from recognizing it in other people. It’s easy to understand why our kids need this. When they are in a moment of crisis, children need to know what they are feeling to know how to work through that feeling.
- For example, I am four years old, and I am mad because my brother knocked over my tower. The way I work through that situation would be different than if I am feeling sad because my tower won’t stand up properly on the soft couch.
- Even outside of a crisis, we want a child to recognize what their body is feeling. Excitement for an upcoming birthday might feel similar to the nervous energy someone feels getting on the rollercoaster at an amusement park. However, the circumstances would be very different.
- How it’s learned and taught: Lots of practice is required for this, and most kids will need an adult to help them as they learn and grow. Adults can help by pointing out mind-body connections and the physical sensations associated with emotions.
- For example: When I feel mad, my face is hot and my hands are tight. When I feel sad, my body is moving slow and my eyes might feel heavy as tears come to my eyes. When I feel excited, my heart is fluttering like a hummingbird and I have a hard time sitting still.
Managing feelings and emotions
- Why we need it: Managing feelings and emotions is an advanced skills that, quite honestly, many adults have yet to master. This is also called self-regulation. When children and adults are unable to regulate, they are more likely to have large emotional outbursts. Sometimes these outbursts can be damaging to self, others, or have unintended consequences.
- For example: Adults can feel angry about sitting in traffic. Someone with a healthy coping mechanism would feel this frustration or anger, take a deep breath and turn on some music to keep those emotions from taking over. Someone who is unable to regulate may feel that anger or frustration turn into rage, and then drive erratically and use colorful language as they lay on their horn.
- How it’s learned and taught: A child feels distraught because their parent said no to a cake pop while out running errands. What happens next will depend on their ability to regulate. Regulation strategies can include breathing exercises, physical affection from a loved one, emotional connection with a loved one, physical activity, listening to music or drinking water. There are other ways to regulate, but children are not naturally inclined to do any of this without help from an adult. Children learn regulation through modeling. So yes, however the adults around them regulate will likely be how that child chooses to regulate in times of heightened stress or emotion. Adults can model regulation by narrating their thoughts and actions.
- For example: “I am feeling really mad that the dog made a mess all over the carpet. I’m going to go in the other room, take deep breaths and drink some water. When I come back, I’ll figure out how to get this cleaned up. Be right back!” It can feel silly and exaggerated, but the words a child hears in their environment will eventually become a child’s inner dialogue. It’s important to note that this will not happen overnight. It takes years and years of modeling to gain any level of competency.
- In the meantime, children need the presence of an adult to help them regulate in heightened states of stress or emotion. They will not be able to absorb teaching in the middle of a meltdown, so don’t try to teach them in the moment. Co-regulation can look like offering a hug or physical comfort. Depending on the child, they may just need an adult in proximity while they work through a big feeling. That doesn’t mean you must give in or allow your child to get what they want. It just means you are nearby while they work through things and offer support as needed.
- One of my favorite resources for this is Dr. Becky Kennedy. She does a great job of explaining this concept in her podcast. Allowing a child, whether in the home or in the classroom, to navigate tricky emotions doesn’t have to mean you give in to their needs or wants. It doesn’t mean they call the shots. It requires you as the adult to be sturdy in your boundaries and be the strong, calm, and loving presence that a child needs to move toward resolve eventually.
- We could spend a lot of time discussing this one topic, but the point is that it’s a process. It will take time and practice, and more time and practice, before the child in your care becomes even close to mastery.
Areas to Focus On
The following categories are fairly self-explanatory, but are areas of focus when you are working on SEL with young children. Most of these will be similar to what you have already read and will be taught using modeling, scripts, and lots of practice.
- Asking for help, self-advocating
- Taking turns (sharing)
- Focusing attention
- Playing with others (inviting/welcoming, asking to join in, taking turns, including the ideas of others)
- Waiting
- Managing disappointment
Keep your eyes out for more SEL help from Heidisongs in the coming months. We really believe in the importance of this topic and want to support you and all of the little ones in your care! Let us know, what SEL topics do you need more help with?
———————————
Don’t forget to SUBSCRIBE to HeidiSongs.tv Internet Videos, and follow us on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest! Check out our main website at HeidiSongs.com, and find us on Teachers Pay Teachers right here.
